On The Legacy of “Dead to Me” - 80s Gal Pal Reverence, Judy's Self Destructive Path and her Resilience
An Epic Pop Culture Throw down Discussion by 2 Mid-Life Female Friends
This discussion is a 4 part exchange between Jen McAleer (Jen's Substack) and Beth Lisogorsky (Beth’s Exceptional Video Playlist). Letters 1 & 3 will be posted on Beth’s Exceptional Video Playlist on Fridays and Letters 2 & 4 on Jen’s Substack (right here!) on Wednesdays.
In this letters’ exchange, Beth & Jen explore the themes in Dead to Me, the popular gal pal show on Netflix, created by Liz Feldman. As there are so many themes to unpack in this show, from motherhood to grief to friendship, there was too much to say to contain in one post. We hope you enjoy this back and forth Q&A format as much as we enjoyed writing it.
Links will be added as letters get published: Letter 1, Letter 2, Letter 3, Letter 4
I just finished reading our last exchange here
On subject of Kate & Allie:
JenMac: Indeed I did and I’m down for a reboot! “Cuchecumehuzbnd” that’s an approximate quote from Kate & Allie which was one of my favorite shows back in the glorious 80s. That line, and that episode has stayed with me my whole life because up to that point, I had never seen a sit-com set up a misunderstanding so cleverly (i.e, it was leaps and bound more creative than any other Three’s Company set-up). It also always reminds me how quickly either a misunderstanding or an accidental overshare of info can spiral into chaos. In Jen and Judy’s case, there was constant chaos but despite murder, illness, more murder, there were beautiful, relaxing, happy life moments between these two BFFs no matter if it was mentally healthy for either of them. Speaking of misunderstandings or maybe I should say misdirection? Judy, who we know is compelled by guilt to enter Jen’s life, does so in a way that seems unnecessarily deceptive. Beth, what do you make of Judy’s self-destructive behavior throughout the series?
Beth: I don’t know the “Cuchecumehuzbnd” quote and I need you to unpack this right away before we go any further. I even Googled it!
JenMac: LOL - So, here’s the CliffsNotes version of the episode (about 6:06 in you’ll hear the convo). Kate and Allie, who are now caterers, receive a phone call from their client who is calling from a plane. After a simple request to move dinner from 8 to 9, the client says something that sounds like Cuchecumehuzbnd. Kate “decodes” the message to mean ‘could you call my husband’ and Kate does just that. She leaves a message on the husband’s answering machine detailing the evening’s plans that include an anniversary dinner at a corporate apartment. Unfortunately for Kate and Allie (and their client), the husband was not the intended guest since their client was having an affair and planned to celebrate a 1 year anniversary with her boyfriend. As you may have guessed, the husband and the boyfriend both show up at the dinner and let’s just say it doesn’t end well.
Beth: Ok, I had to go back and watch the clip and revel in the glory of this show and the crazy mishaps that ensue from that one simple miscommunication and also how there was no responsibility taken initially by the accuser. Like did she think it was OK to blame this on Kate and Allie? I mean she is the one who could have labeled this “affair” as “discrete” in the first place so as to be much clearer, but then there would be no episode and agreed about their narratives being a lot more clever than Three’s Company, but I think that sitcom was mostly watching John Ritter do physical comedy which let’s face it, he was amazing at.
In a way, getting back to the question around Judy’s self-destructive behavior that you posed before my Kate & Allie tangent, that’s a good analogy for some of the plot devices that happen in Dead to Me. I was just thinking about how Judy’s girlfriend in the second season, Michelle (Natalie Morales) turned out to be the ex-girlfriend of Detective Perez (Jen: “Of all the lesbians in Laguna Beach, it had to be her!”) and how many complications and twists this added to Judy’s (and Jen’s) life and yet, she engaged in all of it, because she was grasping to the desire of romantic fulfillment and being loved.
All of Judy’s self-destructive baggage stems from her relationship with her mother (Katey Sagal, in an expert Married with Children pairing and reunion with her MWC daughter, Christina Applegate), a con artist with a heart (not) of gold who used Judy in her schemes and was by all accounts a pretty horrible mother, leaving Judy with a lot of issues, not to mention on her own from a young age, having to fend for herself. Chief in Judy’s issues is fear of abandonment. Remember: Even though Judy had an awful role model of a mother, the thing she wants most is to be a mother and yet ironically, it’s the thing she can’t have. After many painful, failed attempts with Steve to have a baby, she’s still hopeful in that pregnancy scare episode where she thinks she may be having a baby with Steve and so much so that she breaks up with the detective. She’s not pregnant and in fact, this was likely a prelude to her eventual cancer diagnosis.
My heart is still aching that this whole part of Judy that is supposed to be “innate” for women - being a mother - is not accessible for her with Steve, and then, in a most savage way, that only cancer can do to people, it robs her of the experience of ever even having the ability to adopt or get to know Jen’s child. One of the clutch lines early on, she says to Jen, “You don’t have to take pity on me. Just because I’m a 41-year-old barren woman living in an assisted living facility” to which Jen says, “Yes I do. Seriously come.” and then they hug and it’s a perfect scene closure.
But none of this erases her self-destructive actions which I’ll recap here: Judy comes to a grief group Pastor Wayne pretending her fiancé died. In actuality, it’s her baby she’s mourning There, she befriends Jen, whose husband she killed in a freak accident. She dates a cop whom she introduces to Jen and tells her he can help her solve her husband’s murder which will put her more in jeopardy of getting caught.
Speaking of getting caught, what about Detective Perez? Did you see this transition coming from foe to friend? Thoughts?
We will hear from ME on this topic in the next installment of our letters exchange which will be posted on Beth’s Exceptional Video Playlist on Friday and linked to from here. Stay tuned!
We interrupt this post for something a tad more serious. As this show covers off on Cervical Cancer, it only seems fitting to share some information related to screening.
When cervical cancer is diagnosed at an early stage, the 5-year relative survival rate is 92%.
When cervical cancer is diagnosed after it has spread to nearby tissues, organs, or regional lymph nodes, the 5-year relative survival rate is 59%
The best prevention is screening.
Women: Learn about screening guidelines. Be up to date on your Pap.
Allies (Friends/Partners): Support your female friends in discussing these topics.
Learn more about the technology and tools .
Important stats that may be be useful.